Project Runway All Stars, Ep. 1: Sucked Into a Black Hole Again

October 30, 2013

Damn you, Project Runway! After that pathetically horrible reunion show from the previous season (a WEEK ago! Can’t we have any breathing room?), I swore I was going to skip All Stars. Promised myself I’d be better off without it! And then you put Mychael Knight and Daniel Esquivel on, and I’m sunk. Two of my past favorites, so I’m reeled back into your trap. Sucked into the Black Hole that is Project Runway again.

Before I turn to this episode, I just wanted to mention how bitterly disappointed I was by the reunion show for Season 12. It was bad enough that we were missing Heidi, Nina, and Zac–was this season’s set of designers truly so whack-o that only Tim Gunn had the stomach to handle them? But it was such a weird, unhappy vibe from the group. Lots of sour grapes from Helen, Jeremy, Sandro, and Ken to make the mood really heavy. Dom didn’t seem all that happy. I was waiting for Alexandria and Helen to break out in a fist fight. And Sandro really needs meds or psych visits or something because he is just too delusional. The funniest part (weird funny, not ha-ha funny) was when Tim shared the tweets from Jeremy and Ken about Braden’s proposal being faked. Braden looked stricken by the comments, and I just felt badly for him. It was a sad ending to a stellar season, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. And I pray I never turn on All Stars and see Helen, because I will be tempted to put my foot through the television screen.

But I digress. We start the episode with Viktor from Season 8 telling us that he was robbed and he’s back. Uh-huh. He strolls up to Mychael and shakes hands. I am so happy to see Mychael, I’d turn cartwheels if I could. But I can’t so I just clap hands instead. Moments later, here comes my other boyfriend, Daniel. Hooray! Then one by one, the other designers converge on their meeting place–we see Christopher from Season 10 who states he is here “to sew stitches and cut bitches.” Elena and Melissa from Season 10 show up as well; none seem too thrilled to see the others. Korto from Season 5 is here–she was always good for a laugh. And Ari from Season 8 shows up, and is really a stunning woman. The group seems small for an All Stars, but whatever.

They stroll up to Alyssa Milano, our “Heidi” for the next several weeks, who greets them and notes that the group is a bit small, and she thinks they need competition. Cue the final three contestants–the winners from Seasons 3 (Jeffrey), 6 (Irina), and 7 (Seth Aron). Mychael looks like he’s going to cry.

Alyssa tells us that our judges this season are Isaac Mizrahi (HOO-RAH!) and Georgina Chapman (meh). She is gushingly complimentary to them as well as to this season’s Tim Gunn, Zanna Roberts Rossi. Let’s see if Zanna has the patience of Job, like Tim does.

This week’s challenge is to create a punk rock look for the runway. Alyssa shares that the guest judge this week is one of punk’s biggest legends. For a moment, I get very excited, thinking perhaps they had Lou Reed on the show before he died. How cool would that be? But no, it’s Debbie Harry. They are all given copies of her latest CD to inspire them in their sketching. And this week’s twist is that they have to work at Mood–no sewing room, no design room, no lounge–in short, no Parsons. Instead, they will be working in the basement of Mood. Mychael nails it: “This is the perfect situation for punk–nitty-gritty, raw, making something from nothing.”

Fast forward to Mood, and poor Swatch looks terrified of all of these designers in his house. Jeffrey tells us he’s been designing children’s clothing, so he’s a bit rusty. Everyone goes for dark and leather and tough ornamentation. Viktor is hammering grommets onto his jacket, which look tough, but what is with those pants? I don’t understand what Ari is trying to do, and I suspect she doesn’t either. Elena is freaking out, until the model suggests turning the jacket around. Genius! Daniel is making the same jacket we’ve seen from him before, but with some spiky add-ons. This does not bode well for your future, Daniel. Get out of your comfort zone!

Zanna comes to visit with some tough love, and we learn that hair will be provided by Alterna Hair Care, and cosmetics from Mary Kaye. Oh, L’Oreal, I never thought I’d miss you. But we just started seeing the power of the Butterfly Mascara.

On the runway, Debbie Harry looks like she’s stone, but I love her neon yellow platforms. The three high scores are Jeffrey, Seth Aron, and Elena with her jacket. The designers tell her how punk it is in that it works as a straight jacket, and she nods as if that were her plan all along. She wins, and we have boatloads of tears. Suck it up, girl–this is All Stars!

The lowest scores are Viktor (who is wearing a ball cap with two dinosaur toys on it), Melissa, and Ari. Poor Ari is first one voted off the island. But she’s gracious and thanks everyone for the opportunity.

In the coming weeks, we’ll get a lot of snark, drama, and tears. So what else is new?